Tag: Poetry

Old People Sex (and Other Highly Offensive Poems)

by ashlister, posted in Uncategorized
It’s taken a few years but, because lockdown seems to have given me so much free time, I’ve finally got round to publishing a collection of my most extreme and offensive poems.
Granny pulled on her surgical stockings
She put her false teeth in the glass
She took the Tena pad out of her panties
And said, “Grandpa, could you please fuck my a**?”
If you’ve ever heard any of my poetry, you’ll be aware that I tend to favour an extreme form of verse that dances between offensive and outrageous as I strive to amuse an audience. If you haven’t heard any of my poetry, I think the title Old People Sex (and Other Highly Offensive Poems) should give you a clear idea of what to expect.

“I got horny last month at the bingo
When I called house on a sixty-nine.
It’s been decades since I’ve taken one hard up the chuff
And you ought to be there this time.”

There’s something in this collection to offend everyone and, hopefully, give lots of amusement and entertainment. I’ve had people described my poetry as the bastard child of Frankie Boyle and Pam Ayres, and I don’t know which of those names to take as the greater compliment.

“So, I’m here and I’m hot and I’m horny,
And my teeth are in the Steradent glass.
I slipped Viagra into your Horlicks
So please do me now, up the a**.”
It’s a collection that contains favourite titles such as ‘The Ballad of Poor, Simple Dave’, ‘One Way Traffic?’ and the perennially popular tribute to Edgar Allan Poe, ‘Midget Porn’.  If you enjoy a bawdy laugh, there will be something in this collection that should work for you.
Well Grandpa, he did try to please her
As she lay there with her legs spread wide
He gave her a cuddle, and a bit of a kiss,
And then teased her piles to one side.
And, whilst you’re here, if you want to keep up to date with my latest news and releases, please sign up to my newsletter via the box in the top right hand corner of this page.

Last Call for Cheeky Poetry – Coming Together in Verse 2016

by ashlister, posted in Uncategorized
As I said at the start of September, I’ve received some incredible pieces of poetry.  I’m really looking forward to getting this anthology compiled because it’s going to contain some incredible work from some incredible artists.

If you’ve not had a chance to submit yet, please see the call for submissions below.  If you have submitted and you’re still waiting for my response, please be patient – I’m getting there.

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS


Coming Together in Verse 2016  will be a collection of erotic poetry and risqué verse edited by Ashley R Lister. Sales proceeds benefit Hope for Paws.
Erica Jong said, “Poetry is what we turn to in the most emotional moments of our lives – when a beloved friend dies, when a baby is born, when we fall in love.” Wallace Stevens said, “A poet looks at the world the way a man looks at a woman.” Edgar Allan Poe said, “Poetry is the rhythmical creation of beauty in words.” Most of us agree, when it comes to expressing passion, there is nothing more effective than poetry.
Whether it’s blank or free verse, or a rigid rhyming metrical form, well-written poetry can touch us in places deeper and more personally than any fiction. There’s nothing sexier than a poem that speaks to us on such an intimate level.
Author, lecturer and occasional performance poet, Ashley R Lister, is looking for your best pieces of original poetry, erotic verse, risqué rhymes, cheeky cinquains or saucy sonnets. The collection will contain a broad range of quality erotic poetry submissions, from the rude, ribald and vulgar through to the suggestive, sensuous and sensitive.
Standard Rules apply: No underage, no non-consensual, no scat, incest, or necrophilia. Any pairings or groupings accepted and encouraged.
Deadline for submissions is October 21, 2016.
Send poems double-spaced, 12 point font (Times New Roman or Georgia) in .doc or .rtf format to me@ashleylister.co.uk, with “ATTN: Coming Together, your pen-name, your story title” in the subject line. British English grammar please (where grammar is applicable in your poem). Double quotes around any dialogue that is being used.
Only submit your final, best version of the poem; do not send multiple versions of the same piece. Up to three poems will be considered from each author. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable and be clear which one is which), mailing address, and up to 250 word bio. You will be notified as to the status of your poem by no later than November 1, 2016.
This is a charity anthology. Contributors will receive ebook copies of the publication. Additional compensation is likely to come in karma and tax-write offs. Hope for Paws will benefit from all proceeds. Hope for Paws is a non-profit animal rescue organisation. They rescue dogs (and other animals) who are suffering on the streets and in shelters. Their goal is to educate people on the importance of companion animals in our society. Find out more at hopeforpaws.org

The She-Hulk

by ashlister, posted in Uncategorized

It’s been a while since I’ve shared a poem on here. Since I’m going to be participating in September’s Word War 3MT event (heat eight) at Affleck’s in Manchester, I figured it was time to remember my poetry roots.  

This is a poem I haven’t yet had a chance to try out on an audience.   I dedicate it to the woman I love. 

The She-Hulk
by Ashley Lister

“Don’t make me angry,” she said.
“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” she said.
“I’m like the Incredible Hulk.”
“You’re like the Hulk?” I repeated. “Because you’re bursting out of your clothes?”
She said, “No.”
“You’re like the Hulk?” I tried again. “Because you’re green in places.”
She said, “No.”
“You’re like the Hulk?” I tried, “Because you’re so much bigger than normal size.”
She said nothing.
“You’re like the Hulk?” I asked, “Because you’re inarticulate? Monosyllabic?”
She didn’t say anything.
She just hit me.
Really bloody hard.

Just like the Incredible Hulk would have done.

Coming Together in Verse 2016 – call for submissions

by ashlister, posted in Uncategorized
Because it proved so much fun last year, I’m once again asking for your best poems. 

Coming Together in Verse 2016  will be a collection of erotic poetry and risqué verse edited by Ashley R Lister. Sales proceeds benefit Hope for Paws.
Erica Jong said, “Poetry is what we turn to in the most emotional moments of our lives – when a beloved friend dies, when a baby is born, when we fall in love.” Wallace Stevens said, “A poet looks at the world the way a man looks at a woman.” Edgar Allan Poe said, “Poetry is the rhythmical creation of beauty in words.” Most of us agree, when it comes to expressing passion, there is nothing more effective than poetry.
Whether it’s blank or free verse, or a rigid rhyming metrical form, well-written poetry can touch us in places deeper and more personally than any fiction. There’s nothing sexier than a poem that speaks to us on such an intimate level.
Author, lecturer and occasional performance poet, Ashley R Lister, is looking for your best pieces of original poetry, erotic verse, risqué rhymes, cheeky cinquains or saucy sonnets. The collection will contain a broad range of quality erotic poetry submissions, from the rude, ribald and vulgar through to the suggestive, sensuous and sensitive.
Standard Rules apply: No underage, no non-consensual, no scat, incest, or necrophilia. Any pairings or groupings accepted and encouraged.
Deadline for submissions is October 1, 2016.
Send poems double-spaced, 12 point font (Times New Roman or Georgia) in .doc or .rtf format to me@ashleylister.co.uk, with “ATTN: Coming Together, your pen-name, your story title” in the subject line. British English grammar please (where grammar is applicable in your poem). Double quotes around any dialogue that is being used.
Only submit your final, best version of the poem; do not send multiple versions of the same piece. Up to three poems will be considered from each author. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable and be clear which one is which), mailing address, and up to 250 word bio. You will be notified as to the status of your poem by no later than November 1, 2016.
This is a charity anthology. Contributors will receive ebook copies of the publication. Additional compensation is likely to come in karma and tax-write offs. Hope for Paws will benefit from all proceeds. Hope for Paws is a non-profit animal rescue organisation. They rescue dogs (and other animals) who are suffering on the streets and in shelters. Their goal is to educate people on the importance of companion animals in our society. Find out more at hopeforpaws.org

Coming Together in Videos

by ashlister, posted in Uncategorized
As I may have mentioned, I’ve edited a book of poetry: Coming Together in Verse. The book is published through Alessio Brio’s wonderful Coming Together collective and it would not have been possible without the hard work and generosity from a lot of very talented and very patient poets.  
All the profits from the book’s sales go to benefit a nominated charity.  The charity I’ve nominated is Hope for Paws. They are an amazing charity who do some amazing things, as you’ll see if you take time to check out this video.
Several of the authors have videoed themselves reading their work. 
Because I know how much fun it is to watch or listen to an author reading their work, I thought it might be fun to collect some of the samples on this page. (I know I’ve missed some of the authors reading here and I apologise unreservedly for any oversights. However, if I’ve missed yours and you’re reading this, please drop me an email and I’ll update the page accordingly). 
And, in no particular order, here are some of the ones I’ve been enjoying over the past few weeks.
 http://janineashbless.blogspot.co.uk/2015/11/blue-monday-special-ashbless-reads.html
  
Coming Together in Verse is a brilliant collection of poems but, if you’re not into poetry, you might still want to consider making a donation to Hope for Paws as the work they do helps address a great amount of unnecessary suffering. http://www.hopeforpaws.org/ 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Coming-Together-Verse-Ashley-Lister/dp/1518833667/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1448613928&sr=1-1&keywords=ashley+lister

http://www.amazon.com/Coming-Together-Verse-Ashley-Lister/dp/1518833667/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1450017258&sr=8-1&keywords=ashley+lister+coming+together+in+verse

Coming Together – Logos by Lisabet Sarai

by ashlister, posted in Uncategorized

Earlier this year I finally got a chance to meet the author, poet and all round legend, Lisabet Sarai. Not only is she a fantastic writer but it also turns out she’s a truly lovely person.

Lisabet has poetry in Coming Together in Verse and she’s been gracious enough to record herself reading Logos, a deliciously erotic piece of poetry. The book is officially released later this week but, for now, sit back and relax and enjoy this taster from the collection read by its author.

You can purchase your copy for the US from here: http://www.amazon.com/Coming-Together-Verse-Ashley-Lister/dp/1518833667/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1447761264&sr=1-1&keywords=ashley+lister
Or you can purchase your UK edition here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Coming-Together-Verse-Ashley-Lister/dp/1518833667/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1447761378&sr=8-5&keywords=ashley+lister
You can find it on CreateSpace at this link: https://www.createspace.com/5831577
And you can find it on SmashWords here: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/593587?ref=comingtogether
Contributors include: myself (Ashley R Lister), Alessia Brio, Victoria Blisse, Rachel Woe, Janine Ashbless, Liv Honeywell, AJ Chilson, Roy Clements, Katy J, Ashe Barker, Lisa Bower, PJ Bayliss, Geneva Rose, Jay Willowbay, Slave Nano, Lily Harlem, Kay Jaybee, KD Grace, Norbert Gora, IG Fredrick, Jade A Waters, Adrea Kore, Bella Settarr, Okami No Koga, Daniel Davis, Joanna Harrington-Cruise, Sophia Sophia, Le Petite Mortimer, Eleanor Meadows, Angell Brooks, L Hollamby, Blacksilk, CA Bell, Ian Jade, Tamsin Flowers, Ruby Red, Colin Davies, Desmond Field, Rachel McGladdery.

Please, if you get a chance, buy your copy today.

Call for Submissions – Coming Together: In Verse

by ashlister, posted in Uncategorized
I’m asking for your best poems. 

Coming Together: In Verse  will be a collection of erotic poetry and risqué verse edited by Ashley R Lister. Sales proceeds benefit Hope for Paws.
Erica Jong said, “Poetry is what we turn to in the most emotional moments of our lives – when a beloved friend dies, when a baby is born, when we fall in love.” Wallace Stevens said, “A poet looks atthe world the way a man looks at a woman.” Edgar Allan Poe said, “Poetry is the rhythmical creation of beauty in words.” Most of us agree, when it comes to expressing passion, there is nothing more effective than poetry.
Whether it’s blank or free verse, or a rigid rhyming metrical form, well-written poetry can touch us in places deeper and more personally than any fiction. There’s nothing sexier than a poem that speaks to us on such an intimate level.
Author, lecturer and occasional performance poet, Ashley R Lister, is looking for your best pieces of original poetry, erotic verse, risqué rhymes, cheeky cinquains or saucy sonnets. The collection will contain a broad range of quality erotic poetry submissions, from the rude, ribald and vulgar through to the suggestive, sensuous and sensitive.
Standard Rules apply: No underage, no non-consensual, no scat, incest, or necrophilia. Any pairings or groupings accepted and encouraged.
Deadline for submissions is October 1, 2015.
Send poems double-spaced, 12 point font (Times New Roman or Georgia) in .doc or .rtf format to me@ashleylister.co.uk, with “ATTN: Coming Together, your pen-name, your story title” in the subject line. British English grammar please. Double quotes around dialogue.
Only submit your final, best version of the poem; do not send multiple versions of the same piece. Up to three poems will be considered from each author. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable and be clear which one is which), mailing address, and up to 250 word bio. You will be notified as to the status of your poem by no later than November 1, 2015.

This is a charity anthology. Contributors will receive ebook copies of the publication. Additional compensation is likely to come in karma and tax-write offs. Hope for Paws will benefit from all proceeds. Hope for Paws is a non-profit animal rescue organisation. They rescue dogs (and other animals) who are suffering on the streets and in shelters. Their goal is to educate people on the importance of companion animals in our society. Find out more at hopeforpaws.org