Old People Sex (and Other Highly Offensive Poems)

It’s taken a few years but, because lockdown seems to have given me so much free time, I’ve finally got round to publishing a collection of my most extreme and offensive poems.
Granny pulled on her surgical stockings
She put her false teeth in the glass
She took the Tena pad out of her panties
And said, “Grandpa, could you please fuck my a**?”
If you’ve ever heard any of my poetry, you’ll be aware that I tend to favour an extreme form of verse that dances between offensive and outrageous as I strive to amuse an audience. If you haven’t heard any of my poetry, I think the title Old People Sex (and Other Highly Offensive Poems) should give you a clear idea of what to expect.

“I got horny last month at the bingo
When I called house on a sixty-nine.
It’s been decades since I’ve taken one hard up the chuff
And you ought to be there this time.”

There’s something in this collection to offend everyone and, hopefully, give lots of amusement and entertainment. I’ve had people described my poetry as the bastard child of Frankie Boyle and Pam Ayres, and I don’t know which of those names to take as the greater compliment.

“So, I’m here and I’m hot and I’m horny,
And my teeth are in the Steradent glass.
I slipped Viagra into your Horlicks
So please do me now, up the a**.”
It’s a collection that contains favourite titles such as ‘The Ballad of Poor, Simple Dave’, ‘One Way Traffic?’ and the perennially popular tribute to Edgar Allan Poe, ‘Midget Porn’.  If you enjoy a bawdy laugh, there will be something in this collection that should work for you.
Well Grandpa, he did try to please her
As she lay there with her legs spread wide
He gave her a cuddle, and a bit of a kiss,
And then teased her piles to one side.
And, whilst you’re here, if you want to keep up to date with my latest news and releases, please sign up to my newsletter via the box in the top right hand corner of this page.

Coming Soon

During the lockdown, I realised that the rights had reverted to me on several of my existing titles. Because of a combination of factors (a lot of free time, a desire to find out more about self-publishing, and a curious urge to revisit previous projects) I’m starting to upload those titles on Amazon as eBooks.

The first one, which I’m hoping to have available before the end of this month, will be Death by Fiction.  This is a novel that was originally published a decade ago. It’s the darkly humorous story of a murder at a writers’ circle and it’s narrated by the different members of the group, each of whom represents a different style of mystery writer.

I need to state here, this is not simply a republication. I’ve gone through the manuscript tweaking parts I didn’t like in the earlier version, adding and subtracting text, and polishing until the version (the version that is now being made available) reads exactly as I wanted it to entertain readers when it was first released. This will be a re-edited version.  
This is how I will be approaching each of the titles, making sure that I’m making available the book that I wanted to present to my readers. Once I’ve got my re-edited backlist uploaded, I’ll then be releasing some new titles: a series of supernatural thrillers that I hope will entertain, amuse, and maybe give readers a little bit of a scare.  I’m also hoping to work on the occasional outlier, such as a book of my most extreme poetry.
If you’ve ever enjoyed any of the material I’ve written, and would like to keep up to date with new releases (and re-edited releases) as and when they happen, please subscribe to my email list, which you can access through the box in the top right corner of this page, and I’ll be happy to keep you updated.