Do You Like Pina Coladas?

In less than a fortnight I’m releasing a novella under the title Escape: A Dark Tale from Innsmouth.  This is the fifth in the series, action packed and full of fun (and horror), and I’m usually referring to it as ‘Escape’ whenever I mention it to friends, family or pets that have to listen to me ramble.

And Escape is also the title of the song that we all know as ‘The Pina Colada Song’. As a matter of fact, I’d originally known it as the ‘Penis Colada Song’ because my hearing is seldom focused on song lyrics and I figure most people writing songs have minds that are as filthy as mine. I’m not sure what a ‘Penis Colada’ might be, but then again I’ve drunk a pina colada and I’m none the wiser as to what that was.

The Pina Colada Song has always struck me as an oddity because it seems like it’s a celebration of duplicity and infidelity. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Rupert Holmes’ lyrics, a brief precis tells us that the singer of the song is unhappy with his partner. Rather than discuss the issues they have in their relationship in a progressive and adult fashion, he sticks an advert in the 70’s version of a lonely hearts column, asking for someone who likes rain, midnight sex and coconut-flavoured alcoholic beverages.

Actually, for me, one of the other puzzling lyrics in the song comes after the chorus line: “If you like making love at midnight.”  I’d always thought he said, “in the juice of a cake.” Now, I understand this makes very little sense as cakes aren’t particularly juicy and the thought of participating in a lovemaking activity that involves the lubricant from cake juices is incredibly niche,  but keep in mind I was still convinced they were singing about Penis Coladas when the song started, so narrative cohesion was never at the forefront of my thoughts when I was singing along with this one.

Anyway, the singer gets a response to his lonely hearts advert from someone who is clearly thirsty: and not just for penis coladas. They arrange a date, he feels a moment’s guilt for the partner he’s cheating on, and then goes out ready to bang the woman who’d responded to his ad.

To my mind, this is a lack of morals that puts the guy in a position where most people would vote him to be a Prime Minister in the UK. It does not suggest a character worthy of empathy. However, the twist in the song’s story [SPOILER ALERT] comes when he meets his lonely hearts date and discovers it’s his unnamed partner.

The singer accepts this and is pleased to discover that his partner is an advocate of rain, coconut-flavoured alcoholic beverages and midnight sex inside juicy cakes. Whilst this is a happy ending for those involved (she doesn’t give him a happy ending whilst the song is playing. I’m fairly sure of that) it raises the moral ambiguity of what we’ve just listened to.

Singer decides to cheat on partner.

Partner is already scouring the lonely hearts adverts, thirstily looking for some side dick.

Both meet up, unaware that they have shared interests in rain, alcohol and cake-juice-sex and seem to accept the horrific levels of duplicity as part of the normality in their highly dysfunctional relationship.

All of which is my way of saying, Escape: A Dark Tale from Innsmouth, is available for pre-order.

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