HAMLET: told in FaceBook status updates

File:Facebook like thumb.png - Wikimedia Commons

I originally wrote this a few years back. A handful of (very) helpful scriptwriting students helped me to drag it kicking and screaming into the roaring 20s. And I’d like to thank each member of that team for their invaluable input.

Please keep in mind, this has nothing to do with any of my current writing projects, nor am I trying to convert anyone into becoming a fan of Shakespeare with my take on his classic play. This is seriously just written for shiggles.

(Also, if anyone does a production of this version, please let me know as I would love to see it being performed).

HAMLET told in FB status updates

Act I Scene I

Bernardo – location tagged ELSINORE

OMG. Look at that ghost.

Horatio.

STFU. FAKE. Photos or it didn’t happen. There’s no ghost. LOL.

Bernardo

There it is.

Horatio.

OMG. It looks like Hamlet’s dead dad. We should totally tell Hamlet. LOL

Hamlet was tagged in this post.

Bernardo.

Totally. Oh. It’s gone.

Act I Scene II

Hamlet

King Claudius’s speeches are so f***ing dull. Boring mofo.

Hamlet

mofo. LOL

HORATIO REACTS WITH A LAUGHING EMOJI

Hamlet

My mum is such a S.L.U.T.

Hamlet

She’s had more men under her than Fortinbras.

HORATIO REACTS WITH A LAUGHING EMOJI.

Hamlet

Laertes is leaving Denmark. Poggers. Maybe I’ll get a chance to pork his sister.

OPHELIA REACTS WITH A HEART ICON.

Act I Scene III

Laertes posted on Ophelia’s timeline:

Watch out for that nonce Hamlet. He’s trying to pork you.

Ophelia has commented:

Poggers.

Laertes:

It’s not poggers you dirty bitch.

Polonius:

No. It’s not poggers, you dirty bitch. Neither a borrower nor a slapper be.

Ophelia:

Father? What are you doing on my FaceBook? I thought I’d blocked you. And you’re a Boomer. You should be on MySpace. I swear your nosiness is going to drive me insane.

Act I Scene IV

HORATIO – POSTED FROM SOMEWHERE IN ELSINORE

OMG. Hamlet’s gone totally Ghostbusters chasing around the castle after Casper-the-ghost-dad. Ah, Hamlet. DTF.

Act I, Scene V

Hamlet

OMG. Spooky ghost stuff. It was like an episode of Scooby Doo starring my dead dad. Or like an episode of Most Haunted with real ghosts.

HORATIO REACTS WITH A HEART ICON.

Hamlet

Ghost dad sez Creepy Uncle Claudius killed him.

HORATIO LIKES THIS.

Hamlet commented on his own status:

Dude, you’re not supposed to like a status about my dad being killed.

Hamlet

Ghost dad wants me to avenge him.

HORATIO REACTS WITH A HEART ICON.

Hamlet

Killing seems a bit extreme. But Ghost Dad sez I shouldn’t bother the authorities with this. Ghost Dad sez the Gods want me to do this. Sounds legit.

Act II, Scene I

Ophelia changed her relationship status to single.

Hamlet posted to Ophelia’s timeline

WTF? Are you dumping me, bitch?

Ophelia

You’re acting like a dick, Hamlet. Of course I’m dumping you.

Hamlet

I’m a dick? You’re the one with the ‘daddy issues’.

Ophelia

Harsh words from ‘mummy’s boy’.

Hamlet

Why don’t you go and jump in a lake?

HORATIO REACTS WITH A HEART ICON

Act II Scene II

Rosencrantz has sent a friend request to Hamlet. This friendship was suggested by Claudius.

Guildenstern has sent a friend request to Hamlet. This friendship was suggested by Claudius.

Polonius has asked Hamlet a question through Goodreads

Polonius asks: “What are you reading?”

Hamlet replies: “Words, words and words. And MYOB. Sod off back to MySpace, Boomer.

Polonius has invited Hamlet to Elsinore Netflix

Polonius asks: “Do you want to see some players act a play?”

Hamlet replies: “The play’s the thing. Wherein we’ll catch the conscience of my creepy uncle.”

Act III Scene I

Hamlet

To be connected to Samaritans online, or not to be connected to them. A pox on talktalk Broadband. A pox on this muggle-fudging Hauwei.

Ophelia commented on Hamlet’s status.

FFS. All these actors in Elsinore, and you’re still the biggest drama queen in Denmark.

GERTRUDE REACTS WITH A LAUGHING EMOJI

Hamlet

Bitches. I’ve had it with women. You can all go and do one. I’m going to start going with men now. See how you like it if I do go gay.

HORATIO REACTS WITH A HEART ICON

Act III Scene II

Claudius: (via iPhone)

What a crap play. I’ve seen better acting in Hollyoaks.

Hamlet

Did it make you feel guilty?

Claudius (via iPhone)

I felt bad that I’d wasted time and money on that when I could have been watching paint dry.

I’d have been better off spending time alongside an old man like Polonius, watching his daughter and my step-son trying to have sex. But not in a sinister way.

OOPS. How the hell do you delete updates from an iPhone?

Perhaps I should cleanse my soul with prayer.

Act III Scene III

Hamlet

Just seen Claudius praying. I should have killed him whilst I had the chance.

Hamlet

I think I’ll go and see the S.L.U.T.

Act III Scene IV

Hamlet

Can’t believe my mother is such a slapper. She’s had more men go through her than the castle gates.

Gertrude

I can see your status updates. I’ll cancel your mobile account if you keep saying rude things.

Hamlet

Well it’s true. You shagged my dad. Then his brother. And now there’s a dead Polonius tucked behind your arras. Did you shag him to death?

Polonius has cancelled his FB account.

Gertrude

No. I didn’t shag him to death. You just stabbed him.

Hamlet

FAKE. Photos or it didn’t happen. In fact screw this. I’m going to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. 

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were tagged in this post.

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN LIKE THIS

Act IV Scene I

Hamlet (via Ye Olde Internet Café)

No broadband coverage in England. Duh. It’s so medieval in this godforsaken country. I’m having to update using dial-up. Will tell you all about the pirate adventures and high sea japes as soon as I return.

Horatio

FAKE. Pics or it didn’t happen. PMSL. Miss you, hon.

Act IV Scene II

Ophelia

God buy you.

Laertes

That’s autocorrect. Or she’s gone mental. Or her keyboard is f****d.

Claudius. (via iPhone)

I think she might be on the blob.

Laertes

Harsh, dude. She’s my sister.

Ophelia has cancelled her FaceBook account

Claudius(via iPhone)

It’s not harsh. Do you know how costly it is to dredge the local rivers when they’re clogged with drowned mental women?

Act IV

Hamlet set up the following event: HAMLET’S RETURN TO ELSINORE. DATE – tomorrow

The following people have accepted.

HAMLET (host)

Claudius

Gertrude

Laertes

Horatio

Fortinbras: message from Fortinbras – might be a little late.

The following invitees have not responded:

Ophelia

Polonius

Rosencrantz

Guildenstern

Act V

Horatio

ROFLCOPTER. Spent the morning in the graveyard with Hamlet. We just dug up some skulls and talked about kissing their lips but there was nothing kinky going on.

HAMLET LIKES THIS

Act V Scene I

Horatio

OMG. WTF. It’s kicking off at this party. Laertes and Hamlet are going to duel with real swords. Hamlet FTW. I hope he doesn’t get a prick in him. Well, not from Laertes.

Laertes

I’m going to stick it to you, dude.

Hamlet was tagged in this post.

Hamlet

Just like I stuck it to your sister?

HORATIO LIKES THIS

Claudius (via iPhone)

I wish Polonius was here to tell me how much poison to use. I’ve put poison on one of the swords. Poison in a drinking glass. And I’ve poisoned three out of four plates of the hors d’ouevres. Hopefully this will be enough to kill that annoying shit Hamlet.

OOPS. Didn’t mean to post that as a FB status. How do you delete from a mobile?

Gertrude

These hors d’ouevres taste f*****g awful. I’m going to try another plate.

Laertes

Ouch! That bastard stabbed me with a poisoned sword. Claudius – where’s the antidote?

CLAUDIUS WAS TAGGED IN THIS POST.

Claudius (via iPhone)

Antidote?

LAERTES has cancelled his FB account.

Hamlet

How am I supposed to concentrate on this sword fight when my opponent is dead and my S.L.U.T. mother is rolling around on the floor pretending she’s been poisoned?

Gertrude has now cancelled her FB account.

Claudius has now cancelled his FB account.

Hamlet has now cancelled his FB account.

Horatio

WTF? It’s like the end of a slasher movie in here. There’s dead Hamlet, dead Leartes, dead Gertrude and dead Claudius. I wonder if I could give Hamlet the kiss of life? I’ll just unbutton his trousers and see if that helps.

Fortinbras.

WTF! What are you doing to that dead body, Horatio?

Horatio

I’m not doing anything. I’m just trying to resuscitate Hamlet’s corpse.

Fortinbras

OK. You carry on. Stop updating these posts to FB. And I’ll see if I can resuscitate his mother. After this, the rest should be silence.

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