I originally wrote this a few years back. A handful of (very) helpful scriptwriting students helped me to drag it kicking and screaming into the roaring 20s. And I’d like to thank each member of that team for their invaluable input.
Please keep in mind, this has nothing to do with any of my current writing projects, nor am I trying to convert anyone into becoming a fan of Shakespeare with my take on his classic play. This is seriously just written for shiggles.
(Also, if anyone does a production of this version, please let me know as I would love to see it being performed).
HAMLET told in FB status updates
Act I Scene I
Bernardo – location tagged ELSINORE
OMG. Look at that ghost.
Horatio.
STFU. FAKE. Photos or it didn’t happen. There’s no ghost. LOL.
Bernardo
There it is.
Horatio.
OMG. It looks like Hamlet’s dead dad. We should totally tell Hamlet. LOL
Hamlet was tagged in this post.
Bernardo.
Totally. Oh. It’s gone.
Act I Scene II
Hamlet
King Claudius’s speeches are so f***ing dull. Boring mofo.
Hamlet
mofo. LOL
HORATIO REACTS WITH A LAUGHING EMOJI
Hamlet
My mum is such a S.L.U.T.
Hamlet
She’s had more men under her than Fortinbras.
HORATIO REACTS WITH A LAUGHING EMOJI.
Hamlet
Laertes is leaving Denmark. Poggers. Maybe I’ll get a chance to pork his sister.
OPHELIA REACTS WITH A HEART ICON.
Act I Scene III
Laertes posted on Ophelia’s timeline:
Watch out for that nonce Hamlet. He’s trying to pork you.
Ophelia has commented:
Poggers.
Laertes:
It’s not poggers you dirty bitch.
Polonius:
No. It’s not poggers, you dirty bitch. Neither a borrower nor a slapper be.
Ophelia:
Father? What are you doing on my FaceBook? I thought I’d blocked you. And you’re a Boomer. You should be on MySpace. I swear your nosiness is going to drive me insane.
Act I Scene IV
HORATIO – POSTED FROM SOMEWHERE IN ELSINORE
OMG. Hamlet’s gone totally Ghostbusters chasing around the castle after Casper-the-ghost-dad. Ah, Hamlet. DTF.
Act I, Scene V
Hamlet
OMG. Spooky ghost stuff. It was like an episode of Scooby Doo starring my dead dad. Or like an episode of Most Haunted with real ghosts.
HORATIO REACTS WITH A HEART ICON.
Hamlet
Ghost dad sez Creepy Uncle Claudius killed him.
HORATIO LIKES THIS.
Hamlet commented on his own status:
Dude, you’re not supposed to like a status about my dad being killed.
Hamlet
Ghost dad wants me to avenge him.
HORATIO REACTS WITH A HEART ICON.
Hamlet
Killing seems a bit extreme. But Ghost Dad sez I shouldn’t bother the authorities with this. Ghost Dad sez the Gods want me to do this. Sounds legit.
Act II, Scene I
Ophelia changed her relationship status to single.
Hamlet posted to Ophelia’s timeline
WTF? Are you dumping me, bitch?
Ophelia
You’re acting like a dick, Hamlet. Of course I’m dumping you.
Hamlet
I’m a dick? You’re the one with the ‘daddy issues’.
Ophelia
Harsh words from ‘mummy’s boy’.
Hamlet
Why don’t you go and jump in a lake?
HORATIO REACTS WITH A HEART ICON
Act II Scene II
Rosencrantz has sent a friend request to Hamlet. This friendship was suggested by Claudius.
Guildenstern has sent a friend request to Hamlet. This friendship was suggested by Claudius.
Polonius has asked Hamlet a question through Goodreads
Polonius asks: “What are you reading?”
Hamlet replies: “Words, words and words. And MYOB. Sod off back to MySpace, Boomer.
Polonius has invited Hamlet to Elsinore Netflix
Polonius asks: “Do you want to see some players act a play?”
Hamlet replies: “The play’s the thing. Wherein we’ll catch the conscience of my creepy uncle.”
Act III Scene I
Hamlet
To be connected to Samaritans online, or not to be connected to them. A pox on talktalk Broadband. A pox on this muggle-fudging Hauwei.
Ophelia commented on Hamlet’s status.
FFS. All these actors in Elsinore, and you’re still the biggest drama queen in Denmark.
GERTRUDE REACTS WITH A LAUGHING EMOJI
Hamlet
Bitches. I’ve had it with women. You can all go and do one. I’m going to start going with men now. See how you like it if I do go gay.
HORATIO REACTS WITH A HEART ICON
Act III Scene II
Claudius: (via iPhone)
What a crap play. I’ve seen better acting in Hollyoaks.
Hamlet
Did it make you feel guilty?
Claudius (via iPhone)
I felt bad that I’d wasted time and money on that when I could have been watching paint dry.
I’d have been better off spending time alongside an old man like Polonius, watching his daughter and my step-son trying to have sex. But not in a sinister way.
OOPS. How the hell do you delete updates from an iPhone?
Perhaps I should cleanse my soul with prayer.
Act III Scene III
Hamlet
Just seen Claudius praying. I should have killed him whilst I had the chance.
Hamlet
I think I’ll go and see the S.L.U.T.
Act III Scene IV
Hamlet
Can’t believe my mother is such a slapper. She’s had more men go through her than the castle gates.
Gertrude
I can see your status updates. I’ll cancel your mobile account if you keep saying rude things.
Hamlet
Well it’s true. You shagged my dad. Then his brother. And now there’s a dead Polonius tucked behind your arras. Did you shag him to death?
Polonius has cancelled his FB account.
Gertrude
No. I didn’t shag him to death. You just stabbed him.
Hamlet
FAKE. Photos or it didn’t happen. In fact screw this. I’m going to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were tagged in this post.
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN LIKE THIS
Act IV Scene I
Hamlet (via Ye Olde Internet Café)
No broadband coverage in England. Duh. It’s so medieval in this godforsaken country. I’m having to update using dial-up. Will tell you all about the pirate adventures and high sea japes as soon as I return.
Horatio
FAKE. Pics or it didn’t happen. PMSL. Miss you, hon.
Act IV Scene II
Ophelia
God buy you.
Laertes
That’s autocorrect. Or she’s gone mental. Or her keyboard is f****d.
Claudius. (via iPhone)
I think she might be on the blob.
Laertes
Harsh, dude. She’s my sister.
Ophelia has cancelled her FaceBook account
Claudius(via iPhone)
It’s not harsh. Do you know how costly it is to dredge the local rivers when they’re clogged with drowned mental women?
Act IV
Hamlet set up the following event: HAMLET’S RETURN TO ELSINORE. DATE – tomorrow
The following people have accepted.
HAMLET (host)
Claudius
Gertrude
Laertes
Horatio
Fortinbras: message from Fortinbras – might be a little late.
The following invitees have not responded:
Ophelia
Polonius
Rosencrantz
Guildenstern
Act V
Horatio
ROFLCOPTER. Spent the morning in the graveyard with Hamlet. We just dug up some skulls and talked about kissing their lips but there was nothing kinky going on.
HAMLET LIKES THIS
Act V Scene I
Horatio
OMG. WTF. It’s kicking off at this party. Laertes and Hamlet are going to duel with real swords. Hamlet FTW. I hope he doesn’t get a prick in him. Well, not from Laertes.
Laertes
I’m going to stick it to you, dude.
Hamlet was tagged in this post.
Hamlet
Just like I stuck it to your sister?
HORATIO LIKES THIS
Claudius (via iPhone)
I wish Polonius was here to tell me how much poison to use. I’ve put poison on one of the swords. Poison in a drinking glass. And I’ve poisoned three out of four plates of the hors d’ouevres. Hopefully this will be enough to kill that annoying shit Hamlet.
OOPS. Didn’t mean to post that as a FB status. How do you delete from a mobile?
Gertrude
These hors d’ouevres taste f*****g awful. I’m going to try another plate.
Laertes
Ouch! That bastard stabbed me with a poisoned sword. Claudius – where’s the antidote?
CLAUDIUS WAS TAGGED IN THIS POST.
Claudius (via iPhone)
Antidote?
LAERTES has cancelled his FB account.
Hamlet
How am I supposed to concentrate on this sword fight when my opponent is dead and my S.L.U.T. mother is rolling around on the floor pretending she’s been poisoned?
Gertrude has now cancelled her FB account.
Claudius has now cancelled his FB account.
Hamlet has now cancelled his FB account.
Horatio
WTF? It’s like the end of a slasher movie in here. There’s dead Hamlet, dead Leartes, dead Gertrude and dead Claudius. I wonder if I could give Hamlet the kiss of life? I’ll just unbutton his trousers and see if that helps.
Fortinbras.
WTF! What are you doing to that dead body, Horatio?
Horatio
I’m not doing anything. I’m just trying to resuscitate Hamlet’s corpse.
Fortinbras
OK. You carry on. Stop updating these posts to FB. And I’ll see if I can resuscitate his mother. After this, the rest should be silence.
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