Because it’s the season when (rightly or wrongly) children are returning to school, FaceBook is one again awash with pictures of freshly scrubbed offspring wearing impossibly shiny uniforms.

I wrote a poem about this, published in my collection Old People Sex (and other highly offensive poems). I figured today would be a good to share it. You’ll find it underneath the image below.

FaceBook Kids

You log onto FaceBook and check out your feed
The sight that then greets you could make your eyes bleed
They’re pouting and putrid, like half-human ducks
They’re your friends’ ugly kids who you find on FaceBook

They look slightly inbred with taxi-door ears
Their two lazy eyes could bring you to tears
They couldn’t get uglier if hit by a truck
They’re your friends’ ugly kids who you find on FaceBook

There’s one with an eye-patch; one with a shaved head
They all look like extras from The Walking Dead.
On the night they were sired the stars cast bad luck
They’re your friends’ ugly kids who you find on FaceBook

They have too many teeth for the mouth on their face
The colour and direction are all over the place
No dentist would touch them unless he were a crook
They’re your friends’ ugly kids who you find on FaceBook

They have all the charms of an infected toe
It looks like Freddy Krueger had kids with Subo
You leave comments that say, “I see where he gets his looks.”
They’re your friends’ ugly kids who you find on FaceBook