It’s taken a few years but, because lockdown seems to have given me so much free time, I’ve finally got round to publishing a collection of my most extreme and offensive poems.
Granny pulled on her surgical stockings
She put her false teeth in the glass
She took the Tena pad out of her panties
And said, “Grandpa, could you please fuck my a**?”
If you’ve ever heard any of my poetry, you’ll be aware that I tend to favour an extreme form of verse that dances between offensive and outrageous as I strive to amuse an audience. If you haven’t heard any of my poetry, I think the title Old People Sex (and Other Highly Offensive Poems) should give you a clear idea of what to expect.
“I got horny last month at the bingo
When I called house on a sixty-nine.
It’s been decades since I’ve taken one hard up the chuff
And you ought to be there this time.”
There’s something in this collection to offend everyone and, hopefully, give lots of amusement and entertainment. I’ve had people described my poetry as the bastard child of Frankie Boyle and Pam Ayres, and I don’t know which of those names to take as the greater compliment.
“So, I’m here and I’m hot and I’m horny,
And my teeth are in the Steradent glass.
I slipped Viagra into your Horlicks
So please do me now, up the a**.”
It’s a collection that contains favourite titles such as ‘The Ballad of Poor, Simple Dave’, ‘One Way Traffic?’ and the perennially popular tribute to Edgar Allan Poe, ‘Midget Porn’. If you enjoy a bawdy laugh, there will be something in this collection that should work for you.
Well Grandpa, he did try to please her
As she lay there with her legs spread wide
He gave her a cuddle, and a bit of a kiss,
And then teased her piles to one side.
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