If

This is a poem I shared at the most recent Pub Poets gathering. Whilst I admit, it’s not what most people would call family-friendly, I’m pleased with the way it works without being gratuitously offensive. 
IF 
If family members call you coffin dodger
If you can’t see to read without your specs
If loved ones fondly call you an old codger
If you’d rather read a book than have rough sex.
If everything you drink’s decaffeinated
The coffees, cokes and cups of Earl Grey teas
If you’ve spent the last decade constipated
And still can’t pooh without suppositories
If the clothes you’re wearing once came back in fashion
If you own a set of linen handkerchiefs
If you need blue pills to raise a night of passion
And if that passion makes you fearful for your knees.
If policemen look years younger than your son
If your pubic hair’s turned 50 Shades of Grey
If watching Countdown sounds, to you, like fun.
If you once tugged off to thoughts of Doris Day
If you nod agreement with the Daily Mail
If everyone seems in a chuffing hurry
If you get excited for the Argos sale
If you fancy getting off with Mary Berry
If you make new friends whilst standing in a queue
If there’s more hair in your ears than on your head
You’ve reached an age where you simply have to

Be cheerful cos at least you’re not yet dead.
Ashley Lister

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